What The Legends Say
by firskey
Summary: Sakura grew up learning about ancient legends and fantasizing about being the priestess in one in particular. But nothing is happening the way it’s supposed to. sortaFY!plot x Naruto!Characters, Crack!OneShot, SasuNaru, Sakuraish POV


Summary: Sakura grew up learning about ancient legends and fantasizing about being the priestess in one in particular. But nothing is happening the way it's supposed to. (sorta)FY!plot x Naruto!Characters, Crack!OneShot, SasuNaru, Sakura-ish POV

Warning: Prior knowledge of Fushigi Yuugi helpful but not necessarily necessary. Also some slight language near the end.

* * *

_There once was a legend of a great Goddess, called the Hokage, who ruled the element of Fire. The Hokage existed only in the realm of spirits but every once in a millennia a priestess appeared who held the power to gather the seven warriors of Fire and summon the Hokage to the human realm. Every time a priestess was born, her life followed the legend written in the 'Universe of the Four Gods' book and rarely deviated from those words. However, the last time a priestess appeared it was discovered that the Book was not always strong enough to dictate the fate of the priestess and her warriors. This is an excerpt from their story..._

The priestess of Fire huffed and stamped her foot down hard onto the stone floor. Nothing was going like it should! She knew the story; they had to learn it back in primary school after all. She knew all the characters, every line she should say, every adventure she should go on, every betrayal she should feel, and most importantly, everyone who should fall in love with her. But it wasn't following the legends at all! First of all, her favored warrior – the one with ogre symbol on his forehead – regarded her with little more than cold indifference. He was _supposed_ to love her, say her name in that sickeningly loving tone that would make her swoon and say his name back in the same fashion, hold her like either one would disappear without a moments notice, and write her love letters for when they couldn't be together. So far all she had received were a few not-so-icy glares and his protection only when she was in dire need of it.

She huffed again and crossed her arms. At least the basic events of the legend were happening at the right times. She had met the emperor and his wanna-be lover at the right time, she found the sorcerer warrior, the ogre-branded soldier had been taken to the Wind Empire, she had searched for and found the remaining Fire warriors, her loved-ogre-warrior came back to the Fire Empire after a heart wrenching struggle, and they had just failed to summon the Hokage for the first time.

Their first summoning failure had happened earlier that day – in fact, it was turning out to be a pretty horrible day. Not only in failing to summon the Hokage either. Her love was supposed to see her naked today, when she was purifying her body in the holy pools. She had been working out ever since she arrived in this land just for that very moment. She had even angled and bent her body just right so he would get quite an eyeful when he looked around the corner. But the "Oh shit!" that came from behind her was not the voice of her love but of the man/woman/not-quite-sure-yet warrior. Thus her plan was ruined and she now looked like some kind of whore.

And then of course she failed to summon the Hokage and the imposter, Yashamaru, from the Wind seven had died by falling into the river. Now, all the rightful Fire seven were standing around in the shrine of the Hokage discussing their next actions and thoroughly ignoring her childish tantrums which pissed her off to no end because she was Sakura! The Fire priestess, god damn it! When everyone once again failed to notice her, she sat herself down on the floor and brooded until somebody would pay attention to her.

Her favorite, Sasuke, was silently overseeing the whole affair and glaring as per usual. The child genius, Konohamaru; the emperor, Neji; the sorcerer, Kakashi; and the healer, Iruka were in a group seriously discussing the best way to travel to the Earth Empire. The fire-wielder, Naruto and the man/woman, Tenten were childishly arguing over something which Sakura really couldn't find it her heart to care about.

Just as Sakura was about to give up her quest for the attention of the men (many of who were supposed to love her) and retire to her room, Sasuke spoke up for the first time.

"I think that we should check everyone's bodies for the Hokage's symbol or anything else so we don't get fooled again." Sakura perked up at the suggestion, her mind feeding her images of her running her hands over Sasuke's chest, his thighs, his…. Never mind the fact that as he said this, he gaze was firmly locked on the hot-headed warrior that bore the 'wing' symbol on his forearm.

"I think I should check you first, Sasuke-kun," she spoke up almost before Sasuke was done suggesting it. A grin twisted itself onto her features as she imagined Sasuke's body; he might not have seen her nude but this… this was far better. She swallowed thickly and her hands twitched in anticipation and then someone cleared their throat.

"Sorry Sakura, but have to remain pure if you are to be the priestess," Kakashi spoke in a carefully calm voice. And all her half-formed dreams and fantasies of aroused Sasuke shattered on the spot. She glared heavily at the man but none the less silently, albeit grudgingly, complied with the demands put upon her as the Fire priestess. She glanced up at Sasuke through her eyelashes and saw the mildly disturbed look on his face. It must be because he just realized that one of the other warriors would have to examine him now instead of the beautiful and voluptuous priestess. She nodded sagely to herself - that had to be it, right?

...right.

She looked up as Sasuke started speaking again. "The first four - myself, Neji, Tenten, and Kakashi - have already proven our loyalty to the Hokage. That leaves you last three-" He may have been speaking to all of them but once again his gaze was riveted on Naruto. How odd. "-to be inspected. I will check Dobe here first," he finished inclining his chin a bit to indicate an irate Naruto, who was shaking with what she figured was rage.

He must've been seeing red too, because he hardly reacted as Sasuke moved to pick him and throw him over his shoulder. Only when he felt Sasuke's boney shoulder connect with his stomach did his realize his current situation. However, no amount of sputtering, cursing, and struggling was enough to free himself from Sasuke's hold. She suspected Sasuke would have to tie him down once they were in the meditation room he had chosen for the procedure.

She looked longingly at Sasuke as he walked into the offshoot of the Hokage shrine. If it had been her slung over Sasuke's shoulder like a damsel in distress, she would have at least tried to cop a feel. She swooned again just thinking of the imaginary situation, hardly noticing the remaining warriors settling down around her to wait for Naruto's examination to be over.

Just as she expected, the sounds of a struggle were emitting from the mediation room. It didn't last for more that a few minutes and then there were ten minutes of complete silence. Sakura secretly hoped that Sasuke had killed Naruto – not that he was a bad person but he just got a little annoying now and again. And it's not like they really needed him now after failing to summon the Hokage...

Just then a loud moan issued from the room. Sakura's head shot up in surprise but nobody else seemed to hear anything, or at least they weren't reacting to it. She shrugged it off as her imagination and was just getting into a really good fantasy about Sasuke when a mewling like sound cut through the silence of the shrine. This time she was sure she wasn't imagining it. Then another moan. And a groan. And, oh my god, there were _sex_ noises coming out of that room! And frequently! Sometimes accented with a pleasured scream or a creak from whatever they were doing... it... on!

She was blushing to her ears now, her eyes focused on the door as if she would be able to see through it if she stared hard enough. Even though it revealed nothing, she kept her eyes glued to it as if she was watching a train wreck: she really wanted to look away but couldn't seem to tear her eyes away. She did, however, spare the rest of her warriors a quick glance and found only Konohamaru and Iruka affected by it at all, the others were just as nonchalant as they could be. Her eyes then trained themselves back on the door.

An hour and a half later, Sasuke emerged from the room cold look back in place with just the tiniest hint of smugness lingering in his eyes. He threw a glance over his shoulder at the door and then made his way to the priestess.

Sakura could not believe her eyes, Sasuke was standing in front of her, his clothes rumpled and ripped in some places, his hair a mess, and with bruises in the shape of bites lining his neck and jaw. In short, he looked like he had just fucked someone within an inch of his life.

He knelt down in front of her in the respectful fashion of a Fire warrior and reported his findings. "It is my conclusion that Naruto is indeed one of the Fire seven and not an imposter. I could not find a contradictory mark _anywhere_ on his body." They way he stressed 'anywhere' emphasized his previous activities all the more. He stood from his kneeling position and turned to leave. Sakura started at his back, incredulous.

"It that it?" she asked, the disbelief heard clearly in her voice.

Sasuke turned his head slightly and smirked. "He is also a wildcat in bed." Her jaw dropped and her eyes widened to the point she was not seeing anything anymore. By the time she regained her senses, Sasuke had left the shrine.

Naruto finally emerged from the meditation room but unlike Sasuke, he looked extremely violated. His walk was more like a hobble as he made his across the floor to the group. His hair and neck were in much the same condition as Sasuke but his clothes were much worse. In addition to being rumpled and ripped, most of the buttons were popped off his shirt leaving his torso bare and the zipper was all but ripped out of the pants he wore leaving very little to the imagination in that area as well. There were also white stains along the front of his outfit that were not there before, and Sakura didn't even want to think about that. In short, he looked like he had just been fucked within an inch of his life.

He cleared his throat and announced he was going to bed and left the shrine the same way Sasuke had just minutes before.

Sakura could only stare after the two of them in shock. This was _not_ how the story was supposed to go! Sasuke was supposed to love _her_, want to kiss _her_, want to touch _her_! And Naruto was supposed to love her too! They were not supposed touch _each other_! It... they... that was not part of the legend! Ughhh...

She needed a strong drink and a masseuse.

"Well, it looked like they had fun!"

Kakashi's cheerful voice.

She was going to kill that man – she really was.

* * *

A/N: I try to think serious and my mind just produces crack. sigh 


End file.
